Seeing

It had been an intense couple of weeks for me. I developed a stye which turned into a chalazion which reached the size of what felt like a small shelled pistachio nut sitting in my upper left eyelid. It was quite a stomach-churning experience for me and I was sure other people would react to me the same way I was feeling towards and within myself. I had introjected so much shame and disgust about the stye and I was convinced that everyone would want me to stay away from them.

I was met with kindness and grace which helped alleviate so much of my self-consciousness around the issue. From my vantage point, my left eye looked Frankensteinian and I believed that was what everyone else saw and focused on. That turned out not to be the case. My continuing to show up for my life allowed people to share their own similar stories of discomfort and self-consciousness they felt when they had styes, blemishes and anything they viewed as unsightly. Because I have cultivated a deeper understanding that inner is outer – my experience of the outer world changes as I address what goes on inside me -- that is where I almost exclusively focus. 

So, I began to look at my own disgust and shame around my stye to uncover what was really going on for me. I became aware of the lens under which I grew up. In Hong Kong, there is a certain beauty standard that was in play when I grew up there as well as in the environment which surrounded me. The net of it is I never met the standard in any way, not from a looks perspective. There was a sense of people’s gaze saying “Even though you’re an ugly duckling, at least you’re smart.”

Going back to the stye, I could have easily chastised myself for my vanity around a bump on my eyelid, especially after everyone was so kind and caring to me as opposed to shunning me. Yet, I was honest with myself how much shame and even blame I felt as well as tuned into my body and the symptoms I had as to what was going on with me. In doing so, I connected to a lot of heat in my body and stuckness/weakness on the left side of my body. Since the stye and the steps I was guided to take for healing, there is much less heat in my body and my body feels much more balanced and my left side feels stronger. And the healing which took place also helped me internalize that my energy and care does not just emanate from my eyes, but from my whole being. Also, I saw that people responded much more to the energy I was emanating rather than being fixated on the stye. This helped me recalibrate my energy – I started just being more open rather than being closed in and withdrawn. It was a beautiful experience for me, to just be and feel comfortable being seen as I was.

I know there may be some eyerolls for some reading this post, like what is Seema going on and on about. She had a stye – everyone gets them – what’s the big deal? I did not realize how much feeling inadequate physically and openly/subtly ridiculed for my looks stayed with me. And I know I am not alone in this – I feel many women in my family and in the culture had to endure this as well. Some women felt victimized by this narrative. Other women became abusers and tyrants in upholding a certain expected beauty standard. And I know at some level that victims and victimizers were just two sides of the same coin, having internalized an insidious standard of beauty and what was deemed acceptable.

I am writing this post for anyone who carries imprints with them they feel they should have gotten over by now even though they haven’t. Maybe becoming aware of the source of current reactions and metabolizing them can begin the process of healing and give us more agency over the choices we make. Unless we are aware of our emotional reactions, so much energy goes into putting them in hiding which causes more internal vitriol and shame. Maybe it’s wiser to, when the time is right, become curious about our emotions? In my case, I could have written my reaction off as “Oh Seema, stop being so vain”, but I am glad I did not do that and gave my unprocessed pain about being the ugly one some breathing room so I, as an adult looking at the situation, could care for myself (younger self, perhaps) in a way that provided genuine nurturing and healing.

In doing so, the energy that was locked away inside me secretly thinking I needed to look or be a certain way to be liked or accepted got freed up and I started to more confidently step out into different venues, stye and all, and let my energy interact with people, without thinking or feeling they are judging me. I even noticed that I was much more present with people with my gaze and people were the same with me. In that place, there is a genuine exchange of warmth and almost honoring or seeing of one another.

If what you've read resonates and you would like to explore the prospect of working together, please send me a message and we can schedule an introductory call.